Part 104: The Denerim Gentrification Project
PART 104: THE DENERIM GENTRIFICATION PROJECTPreviously posted:
Libera tutemet ex infernis...
Run away!
Get... back... here! ...Demon's breath, this armor is heavy.*WHUM*
(Burn their precious tree, Vanguard.) Gardening! My favorite part of war!
[Welcome to the Elven Alienage, the Denerim slum where elves are
[No city guards here, they're all too busy protecting the rich.]
You. Magic boy. I need fire.
Yesssssss, my lord. Ick. Why are Emissaries all so creepy? I have a ssssssssssspeech impediment, my lord. 
[Emissaries are our mage units. They excel in throwing fire at things.]
[As so. This is another instance of the game gating us until we recruit the required units- we need the Emissary's fireball to blow open the gate here. We can't have the Ogre break it down for some reason.
You can also find a few firebombs nearby which serve the same function, if you're really set on not recruiting the Emissary. Maybe you've grown fond of your current party. Maybe you hate mages. Maybe you just want to be the big man who throws grenades.]
[Valendrian is.... checks notes... the Elder of the Alienage. He puts up a fair fight for a 90 year old elf. We'll meet him soon in the main story.]
We're here to deal with some weeds.
You're so petty. I love it.
For the lovely tree!
[Hi Zevran!]
[Bye Zevran!]
[Once you have killed literally all the elves you're free to move on.]
THE PALACE DISTRICT...
[It's Riordan!]
It's time to do something incredibly stupid.
Hey! Hey!!! Look at me, I'm small and delicious!
Yeeeeeee--!!!
--haaaaaaaaawwww!!!
*STAB*
*atonal screeching*
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa--
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...*crunch*
I think the boss is in trouble.
Maybe now, in their darkest hour, the humans will be able to rally behind a group of ragtag heroes who, through acts of courage and daring, will defy destiny and thwart our evil schemes. Frankly, I find that very unlikely and I think less of you for mentioning it.
[There's another barricade ahead that requires an ogre to breach. However, if you already have an ogre in your party at this point, the game will take it away from you in order to force you into rescuing the one on this map.
Also, dwarves start showing up as enemies. They're like humans, but better.]
These bald men seem angry about something.
[I guess we know which option Alistair picked at the Anvil of the Void. You're a bad, bad man, Alistair.
The enemy golems here look like Caridin instead of Shale, which is a nice touch.]
[We need to flip this lever to free the ogre.]
Yes, mom.
[We need the ogre to blow through that flimsy pile of kindling. Honestly, why couldn't we just kill a few dozen of our own spawns, pile them up next to it, and climb over the top? What good is an infinite army of darkness without a little spectacular brutality?]
[Holy shit, the archdemon knows who Sten is.]
[We don't fight him for a little while, but things get intense after you climb the stairs.]
C'mere, you metal bastard.
[Enemies come thick and fast as you climb towards the palace.]
[Oh, hello.]
... ... ... ... *dies* No one beats me in a staring contest. No one.
FINAL BATTLE AHEAD 
(The Warden and his companions flee, Vanguard.)
(Pursue them, Vanguard, and save me.)
Cripes, I hope there's an elevator in there.
Can I eat him? He's already tenderized. Hmm.
This feels heretical. And awesome.
In retrospect, having our entire army depend on one being, no matter how powerful, is a bit of a tactical blunder. (I heard that.) Oops.
FIFTY-TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS LATER...
Can... I... just take a moment... to... (No, sure, take a little nap. I can wait. It's not like anything IMPORTANT IS HAPPENING.)
It's good to see you too, boss.
[This battle is a little crazy. Alistair's party is himself, Morrigan, Leliana and Dog. They are all elite strength, with skills and HP to match. He also has continually spawning werewolf (!!!) allies flooding the area.
On your side is a bunch of darkspawn grunts and the Archdemon. Which ain't nothing (look at her chomping on Alistair!) but the odds are definitely against you here. If the Archdemon dies it's a game over.]
[Yes, Alistair named his dog 'Barkspawn'. It's a Penny Arcade reference.
]
[The best strategy is to work your way up from weakest to strongest- Leliana (only single target damage), Barkspawn (area stun abilities), Morrigan (all the magics, although she'll often squander them on NPCs) and finally, Alistair (monstrous amount of HP).
Alistair will mostly focus on the Archdemon as long as you don't attack him directly, which effectively sets a timer on this fight as you can't heal her. The Archdemon does have a lot of HP though, so you have a while to finish off the rest of Alistair's party.]
[Blight Wolves show up in this last area. They're the final type of recruitable ally, although I never bothered with them. They fight like Barkley, which makes sense.
Also, check out that werewolf hamming up his death scene on the left.]
[Alistair can take an insane amount of punishment, but in the end...]
Aah! Aaa-
Look up.
*CRUNCH*
I guess he really... ...lost his head.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--
wffst wstfflaah?
Aaah!!!
What the hell was that about? Also, where am I and what's happening?
Oh, you're awake! I was starting to worry. Bars? Oh, nuts. I seem to spend way too much time in prisons lately. (Laughs) "Join the Grey Wardens! See the sights from the floors of the best prisons in the land!" It's not much of a recruitment slogan, is it? Where is everyone? Eamon's, presumably. Loghain only cared about imprisoning us. Shortsighted of him. The others are coming. Don't worry.
Who do you think will come? Anyone but Shale, probably. I wish I could see that. One person assaulting Fort Drakon all alone... Well, they'll have help, I'm sure. I hope you're right.
BUT WHO WILL RESCUE ALISTAIR AND BIANCA?
Leliana! She will sing until all the guards fall asleep and then rescue us.or
Zevran! He will cuckold all the guards and then, once they commit suicide in despair, we can easily escape.or
Sten! He will murder every single person in this building and then rescue us.or
Morrigan! She will burn the prison to the ground and then... we leave?or
Wynne! She will tell the guards that she's not angry, only disappointed. After they've all fled in shame, we can leave.or
Oghren! He will get drunk and pass out in a ditch and then, thanks to chaos theory, the lock on our cell will spontaneously combust.or
Barkley! He's a very good boy!or
Actually, our friends all suck. We'll break out ourselves.[Pick two heroes for this perilous rescue mission, or vote for the Wardens to do it themselves. Voting closes on Friday!]
NEXT TIME: Bustin' out!
NEW CODEX CONTENT:
Alternate Zevran
Alternate Sten
Alternate Leliana
Alternate Dog
Alternate Morrigan
Alternate Alistair
People of Ferelden (everyone we killed in the alternate reality)